How do I stay in a difficult conversation?
A question I am hearing from every direction currently is “How do I stay in a difficult conversation?” The refreshed emergence of this question, in my opinion, is a beautiful response to so many challenging and even traumatic things happening around us right now. I experience beauty in the collective desire to stay, to listen, and to heal.
Where is the question emerging from? Other than our shared humanity, of course! I think we have a tendency, especially in the workplace, to learn avoidance skills that enable us to focus on “the job at hand,” while gently and diplomatically sidestepping the humanity attached to those hands. We learned these skills as a mechanism to support our effectiveness and performance, while also preserving the relationships around us. Up until now, this has been a collective intelligence that has empowered us to build large organizations, flexible business models, and agile strategic initiatives.
Thanks to the shared global experience of current events and rapid change, this question emerges into an entirely new environment and feels important to explore together. I don’t have the answers, but I have some experiences and thoughts around what might support us in developing the skills and habits that allow us to stay in the difficult conversations arising daily in this new reality.
Start with Stay - For me, I begin with stay. I can usually sense or feel when a conversation is entering difficult territory pretty quickly. I notice my heart beating quickly, discomfort rising from my belly, my palms may get sweaty, and my throat begins to constrict. These are all physical sensations (feelings) that notify me that my brain and nervous system are being triggered. My first action at this point is to BREATHE, very deeply below my diaphragm, in order to give myself the opportunity to stay in the conversation without employing my Fight, Flight, or Freeze instincts. When I forget to breathe, my instincts of survival kick in. My thoughts narrow, my ability to be present diminishes, and my instinct to avoid goes into hyper drive. Breath allows me to stay and I can then employ the resources of compassion and curiosity to lead me further into the discomfort.
Resist the Fix - In full transparency, this is the hardest step and the one that usually derails all difficult conversations before they begin! My (our) brains are wired to perceive threat and without a conscious rewiring and serious muscle memory, I mistake my discomfort and strong emotions as a threat to my survival. This launches me into reactive behaviors that I fool myself into believing are “listening” or “helping”. My behavioral responses range from defending myself against the threat of discomfort, analyzing and hypothesizing my diagnosis, fixing the problem before I’ve even heard the person, dismissing the emotions and discomfort of the other, debating for the sake of winning, correcting or criticizing the other’s point of view or perspective, or seeking the solution to a problem I haven't even heard fully. Not pretty, I realize as I type, and yet very human! My (Our) brains are meaning and connection making machines and they like to find the path of least resistance. My brain has a default voice that says "The faster you find a solution here, the faster the discomfort will go away!" This is not my most empowering or helpful voice in difficult conversations. IF I can resist the urge to fix, I can continue to stay in the difficult conversation and move onto the next step.
Linger in Listening - As I am empowered to stay in the conversation through my breath and resisting my urge to fix, I follow that with listening. The kind of listening I notice required in difficult conversations is called “Conscious Listening.” Conscious listening is a kind of listening that involves multiple layers partnering together. One of the keys to conscious listening is the recognition that emotions are not "good" or "bad". This mindset disrupts listening and engages judgement. Conscious listening acknowledges a mindset that emotions are nothing more than energy in motion and creating space for energy to move creates connection, aliveness, and understanding.
First, I listen to what is happening inside my body (sensations or feelings) as they provide me intelligent clues to the focus of the conversation. Do I notice my heart beating faster while I listen? What does that feel like? How is that feeling (fear, sadness, joy) present in this conversation? What is the energy of this conversation?
Second, I listen to the other person with active focus. I pay attention to the words being spoken, body language, the feelings arising, the subtlety of what is not being said, and how the listening makes me feel. Here I am listening to the content of the conversation with a desire to understand the message. What are they trying to express? What is being communicated? What do I understand? How do I listen even more?
Third, I listen to the intelligence of my heart center. Specifically, I am listening for which core emotion (sadness, fear, joy, anger, or creativity) is fueling the conversation. I’m not trying to judge, assign, or guess an emotion here. I am consciously listening to the other person to locate the essence of the conversation in the emotional field. What do I feel as I listen from their position? What emotion feels most present right now? What is my heart experiencing in this conversation?
Lastly, I am listening from my gut center or intuition. I am paying attention to the core desire or need coming up in the conversation. I’m listening to the content to hear the longing being expressed or trying to be expressed. What is the need that is being communicated? What is my intuition sensing? What is the deep desire in this conversation?
Reflecting Back - Notice up to this point, I have not said a word. This is a skillful piece of navigating difficult conversations, as it allows the emotions to move, stir, be expressed, and clear. When I have thoroughly stayed, resisted, and consciously listened, I begin to speak by reflecting back what I think I heard in an effort to understand deeply. A phrase I use often is “Here is what I think I heard you say, please correct me where I’m wrong.” This allows me to express my current understanding and be course corrected where I am off...and I am usually off on one point or another! This practice in difficult conversations expresses to the other they are being heard (even if only partially) and it begins to builds trust to continue the dialogue further.
This is by no means an exhaustive list or even a fail safe approach to staying in difficult conversations. This might also feel exhausting if these are new thoughts, mindsets, and skills to your current practice. Entering difficult conversations from a place of compassion and curiosity, for ourselves and the other, can pave the way for more skilled navigation. I find that if I can remember and successfully execute the first couple of steps, the conversation finds a breadth and depth and turns into a meaningful dialogue.